Duck Infection
by frostyfreezyfreeze54
Summary: RK has plans to take him and KG to a Shinedown concert. But when his brother falls ill with the chicken pox, RK must keep himself from getting sick before the concert. But there's something else on his mind as well...
1. Duck Infection Script

_Thank You, Heavenly_

Theme Song: "Let It Roll" by Divide the Day

SEASON 2

EPISODE 21

Airdate: March 16, 2014

Title: Duck Infection (St. Patrick's Day Quintet: Part III)

Segway Segment: Classic Music Videos ("Beat It" by Michael Jackson)

Satire/Social Commentary: None

Special Guest Stars: None

SCENE 1

Greenblatt and Williams Psychiatric Center

Interior Dr. Osborne's Room

Seattle, Washington

(RK is laying on a couch while he talks to Mr. Osborne in his room)

RK: I just...I don't know. Lately, all I've been doing is thinking about Ashley. I can't get over her no matter what I do.

DR. OSBORNE: Have you tried talking to her at all?

RK: No. You see, Doc, I realized a long time ago that I'm in love with Ashley Rodriguez. If I start talking to her again, she won't want to be my girlfriend. She'll just want to be my friend.

DR. OSBORNE: And what's wrong with that? The way you've described Ashley to me in our sessions, you see her as the absolute definition of perfection in a girl and a human being. This kind of thing isn't going to go away, you need to make things right with her.

RK: I don't know, Doc. I forgot what we fought about first of all and I would probably get tongue-tied. I haven't felt this way about anyone since my friend Buster.

DR. OSBORNE: Buster? You mean...

RK: Yes, Osborne, I'm bisexual. Remember, I told you that during our first meeting?

CUTAWAY GAG

This is the first session between RK and Dr. Osborne. Osborne seems a little on edge.

RK: Well, we're going to be seeing a lot of each other for a while, so I guess I should tell you I'm bisexual.

DR. OSBORNE: GET ON ALL FOURS AND STRIP!

END OF CUTAWAY

DR. OSBORNE: Yeah, alcohol is something that should be left alone in this room. (clears throat) Anyway, Mr. Jennings, I think you have a very good head on your shoulders. If you think talking to Ashley can wait, then go for it. But you can't constantly think about her if you don't plan on doing anything.

RK: So, what's your suggestion?

DR. OSBORNE: Spend more time with your friends and family. Go out and experience the world. Find something you're passionate about and focus on it.

RK: Well, I guess I COULD try that first thing. Then again, when I tried bonding with my friend Jaylynn last week, it was a disaster.

CUTAWAY GAG

RK and Jaylynn are in RK's kitchen with a sledgehammer. RK smashes Jaylynn's hand with the hammer.

JAYLYNN: AH, SON OF A BITCH!

RK: And that's how you play Hammer Handed.

JAYLYNN: WHAT KIND OF STUPID GAME IS THAT?!

RK: I played it all the time with Buster when we were in Vegas. I thought it would be fun.

(long pause; Jaylynn is pissed and her hand is throbbing while RK is worried)

RK: (sighs) I'll call the hospital.

END OF CUTAWAY

SCENE 2

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

(Sparky, Jaylynn, and Wade are watching TV while Buster is writing in his book on the rug)

BUSTER: Hey Wade, can you read my story and give me feedback?

WADE: Sure? What's it about?

BUSTER: It's a wacky 1980s-style comedy. Two guys decide to open a business together, but the joke is that one of them is broke so he decides to cheat on his welfare. It's family-friendly AND really unfunny.

WADE: Why does it say "your broke" right here?

BUSTER: Because the guy's friend is realizing his friend is broke.

WADE: But you have to use an apostrophe for that then.

BUSTER: Why?

WADE: Because broke isn't a possessive term. You can't own broke.

BUSTER: I asked you for feedback, not lambasting!

WADE: I'm trying to help you by pointing this out!

JAYLYNN: Can you guys both shut the hell up?!

SPARKY: Jaylynn! You guys can continue arguing upstairs in the guest room. Bitch Clock's smoking crack in my room so that's a no-go.

(Jaylynn stares at Sparky; RK walks into the house)

RK: I knew you all would be here. Just like always.

WADE: RK, I called you and told you we were all here.

RK: You just had to ruin it, didn't you? I was just about to lamp...and then you...(sighs) forget it. Anyway, this Friday is going to be the best day ever! Concert tickets! Guess who.

SPARKY: Big Time Rush?

JAYLYNN: Black Veil Brides?

BUSTER: One Direction?

WADE: Trace Adkins?

(Everyone stares at Wade, bored)

WADE: What? Country music is still alive and will be waiting for the other genres to slip up! Stupid pop traitor Taylor Swift.

RK: Ewwwww, WTF?, no, and Taylor was the only thing going for country. Tickets to Shinedown for me and KG!

SPARKY: Cool, Shinedown's a great band.

JAYLYNN: Yeah, I love "Diamond Eyes."

WADE: I'm not impressed with their concerts.

BUSTER: Mumford and Sons make them look like The J.B's so I guess that's an accomplishment. Hey Wade, do you know how to spell the letter U?

(bored) WADE: U.

BUSTER: Thanks!

(Buster continues writing)

WADE: I worry about you sometimes.

RK: Well, guys, I'm heading home. I just wanted to show you the tickets. Man oh man, I can't wait to see KG smell this puppy!

JAYLYNN: Hey, wait a minute. Why didn't you get tickets for the rest of us?

(long pause)

RK: Who are you guys?

JAYLYNN: Your FRIENDS, Testicular Sound Express.

(long pause)

(imitating Joe Jonas) RK: I'M SHANE...GRAY!

(long pause; the camera zooms in on Jaylynn's bored face)

RK: OK, fine, you got me. I just wanted to spend some time with my brother. He's just as big a Shinedown fan as I am.

JAYLYNN: But I'm a Shinedown fan too!

WADE: Hey Jaylynn, if you're butthurt, just go pick up some anal cream at the pharmacy, you'll feel a whole lot better.

(Jaylynn angrily stares at Wade, who is bored while looking at the TV)

RK: Now, if you excuse me, I have this one here ticket to show off to a certain KG.

(RK leaves the house)

BUSTER: Who was RK talking about?

JAYLYNN: KG!

BUSTER: His 13-year-old brother KG?

SPARKY: Yes, you know KG.

WADE: Buster, did you turn your brain off and stop listening to what RK said?

BUSTER: No, I was just really invested in writing this story. Take a look at it.

(long pause)

WADE: Um, Buster? I think you want to use a different word to describe Steven's girlfriend. One that doesn't rhyme with "punt."

SCENE 3

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

RK: Hey KG, wait until you see...

(RK sees KG on the couch with red spots all over his face)

KG: Oh, hey, dude. Are those tickets to Trace Adkins?

SCENE 4

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

(Wade is nursing KG; Sparky, Buster, and Jaylynn are also there)

RK: And I just saw all those red spots on his face. I didn't know what they were, so I called you.

WADE: Well, I really find that hard to believe. RK, I'm no doctor, but I'm pretty sure KG has the chicken pox.

JAYLYNN: Nice job, Inspector Gadget.

RK: Chicken pox, what the hell is that?

WADE: Dude, you're telling me you've never heard of this affliction?

BUSTER: Probably because you're saying it wrong, Wade. The correct term is duck infection. You get it from eating really bad duck.

WADE: Buster, who told you that was a disease?

BUSTER: The Onion. And they're right about everything so I suggest you take them seriously.

SPARKY: RK, how have you never heard of the chicken pox? I had them last year in the third grade.

RK: Then how are we in the fourth grade AGAIN?

SPARKY: I would answer that, but it would raise a whole bunch of questions that don't need to be answered right now.

(while Sparky winks at the camera, Buster catches him, and then he quickly looks back at RK) JAYLYNN: But RK, the chicken pox for kids is like smoking diseases for adults. If you haven't had it yet, you should at least know what it is.

RK: Well, guys, before my parents left, I kind of had a sheltered childhood. My mom was afraid a creepy white man in his late-60s would kidnap me, so I didn't go out of the house that much. Plus, I've always hated learning stuff. I didn't even know what this was until last week.

(RK takes out a bubble wand and his bottle, then blows one)

RK: Ah. It's like anti-depressants for kids...(looks at the camera) like me!

KG: Ugh, I feel like Hell. I might have to stay home all week.

RK: What?! But you'll miss the Shinedown concert! And then I thought we could pretend we're fairies dancing in an enchanted bagel patch near the parking lot after we get high and stuff.

KG: Sorry, bro. It looks like you might have to take someone else to see them. I'm sorry.

RK: It's OK, man. But now I'm stumped. Who will I take now?

JAYLYNN: I can make food and we can take it to the concert together!

RK: Please don't hassle me, Huie. I need to think about this. I'll be in my room.

WADE: And RK, stay back from KG. The chicken pox is contagious.

RK: That's another term for "I'll catch it from him," right?

WADE: Yes.

RK: HOLY CRAP!

(RK runs up to his room and makes a scared noise)

WADE: You guys can go. I'll continue treating KG.

SPARKY: Aren't you worried you'll catch it too?

WADE: Don't worry. This hazmat suit is the ultimate defense against diseases such as this. I'll be A-OK, haha.

SPARKY: Alright then.

(Sparky, Buster, and Jaylynn walk out of the house and presumably head back to Sparky's place)

JAYLYNN: I wonder who RK's going to take with him.

SPARKY: Who knows? He probably isn't going to go at all. He was really looking forward to taking KG.

(long pause)

BUSTER: Sparky, what was that wink all about?

SPARKY: I think it's best that you don't know.

SCENE 5

The Saltalamacchia Household

Interior Wade's Bedroom

Seattle, Washington

It's late at night and Wade is waking up all itchy.

WADE: This is NOT a good sign.

(Wade runs to his bathroom and sees red spots on his face)

WADE: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, DAMMIT!

SCENE 6

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

Wade is on the couch with KG while Sparky checks him out.

SPARKY: Mm-hmmm. Wade, my boy, you have a pretty developed case of the chicken pox.

WADE: This is terrible! Now I'm going to need a caretaker! And I was going to teach KG some cool scientific facts in my hazmat suit!

KG: And it's a damn good thing I dodged that bullet.

WADE: This is unbelievable. My chicken pox shouldn't even BE this developed! In most cases, the rash doesn't start until 1-2 days after I'm most vulnerable to afflicting other people with the infection!

SPARKY: Well, it looks like Dr. Chicken Pox must have smacked you up really hard last night. (Sparky laughs while Wade and KG stare at him) I know it wasn't that fresh, but I was aiming for something, you should at least give me credit for that.

BUSTER: Wade, this duck infection is serious. In fact, I suggest you do all you can to eliminate ducks from your system. If you don't watch _Breadwinners _until you start feeling better, I think that'll help.

WADE: Buster, this is chicken pox, not a duck infection. That thing isn't even real!

BUSTER: But...

WADE: And don't say you got it from The Onion.

BUSTER: Alright.

JAYLYNN: Where's RK?

(walking down the stairs) RK: Here I am!

(RK is dressed like Tommy Tibble's imitation of T-Bot Emerald; he also has a garlic necklace around him)

SPARKY: Dude, why?

RK: I have to protect myself from KG's chicken pox. And this is the best defense I have. I'm not missing that Shinedown concert. They rarely ever come to the Northwest anyway.

BUSTER: But why dress like the Terrific Turbo Trooper Toy T-Bot Team?

(sighing) RK: I just explained that. It's the best defense I have, I just explained that. I'm not going any further than that, pallie. Oh yeah, and because PBS might sue me, I need you to refer to me as T-Bot Emerald.

SPARKY: Um...OK?

WADE: Oh great, I feel warm.

SPARKY: Yeah, you're running a fever alright. Boy, when they tell you maintaining homeostasis is important, they're not messing around.

RK: Why does he have a fever?!

SPARKY: Well, RK...

RK: T-BOT EMERALD!

(long pause; Sparky sighs)

SPARKY: Well, T-Bot Emerald, it looks like Wade has the chicken pox too.

RK: WHAT?! HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?! YOU'RE AN OUTBREAK MONKEY JUST LIKE MY BROTHER AND YOU'RE NOT KEEPING ME FROM GOING TO SEE SHINEDOWN!

(RK sprays Wade in the face with antiseptic)

WADE: GAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! WHAT THE (BLEEP) IS YOUR (BLEEP) PROBLEM, THAT JUST TORE A HOLE IN MY FACE!

RK: It's boo-boo spray. Helps keep your chicken pox level down and makes it easier for us to be around you.

(Wade takes a look at the spray can)

WADE: THIS IS ANTISEPTIC, YOU MORON! YOU USE IT TO TREAT INJURIES!

RK: Well, I'm sorry, I was in a hurry, I didn't have time to read things.

SPARKY: Um, T-Bot Emerald, I think it's best if I'm the only one to treat these two. You're a very negative influence on them.

RK: OK, fine. You're the boss.

(Sparky gets some tissues to help get the antiseptic off Wade's face)

WADE: You know something, T-Bot Emerald? I wish I never told you the chicken pox is contagious.

RK: Why?

WADE: Oh, like you don't know? You're one of the biggest hypochondriacs on the planet! Remember the anthrax scare a few months ago?

CUTAWAY GAG

Testicular Sound Express is watching TV at RK's house.

REPORTER: And in local news, it's very important for the elderly to get their anthrax shots as they're the most susceptible to it.

Sparky hears duct tape being rolled on. He turns to the window and sees RK taping it.

SPARKY: RK, what are you doing?

RK: I'm making sure the anthrax doesn't get in here with the aid of duct tape. In fact, until this all blows over, you guys have to stay in this house, and make sure you have no outside contact with the rest of the world.

WADE: RK, you're not going to get rid of a disease like this by duct taping windows.

RK: You're right. I should duct tape the doors too.

(walking down the stairs) KG: Hey RK, have you heard...

RK: ANTHRAX!

(RK pulls out a .45-caliber handgun and shoots KG in the chest, and he tumbles down the steps; the others look at him angrily)

RK: What? He could've infected us.

END OF CUTAWAY

RK: OK, well, maybe that was a fluke, but I have every reason to be scared now. The chicken pox has invaded our house like aliens, and it's up to me to make sure I keep myself away from the onslaught that is this invasion.

KG: What's with the garlic? I don't think that's going to help at all.

RK: Oh-ho-ho, that's what you think. This garlic has properties that can enable me to avoid any type of disease that comes my way.

WADE: One, that's inaccurate, and two, if that's the case, then why do you need the costume?

RK: OK, well, it looks like you didn't hear me, so...(grabs the can of antiseptic)

(keeps RK from spraying Wade) SPARKY: Easy, Nas Escobar, put down the Mac-10.

(RK puts the antiseptic back on the table)

RK: Well, if you excuse me, I'm going to get some fresh air. The chicken pox knows who I am by now and the chemicals of the pox might confuse the two of you for me. A little power walk will help maintain the status quo of familiarity.

WADE: You are a very strange and socially awkward child.

RK: Thank you. I take that as a compliment, jackass.

(RK leaves and then Jaylynn gets in the way of the door)

RK: Jaylynn, what are you doing?

JAYLYNN: Did you know that Brent Smith is the lead singer of Shinedown?

RK: Yes, I did, and I still don't know who I'm taking yet so I'd appreciate it if you kiss my ass later.

(RK leaves the house)

JAYLYNN: Well, hurry back!

(long pause)

BUSTER: Jaylynn, as your friend, I have to say this is really sad.

(Jaylynn angrily stares at Buster)

SCENE 7

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Lunchroom

Seattle, Washington

Testicular Sound Express (without Wade) is having lunch. RK has on a Boston Celtics Rajon Rondo jersey.

BUSTER: So how was taking care of the sick ones?

SPARKY: Not that bad. KG was pretty cooperative. Of course, Wade isn't very good at small talk.

CUTAWAY GAG

Sparky and Wade are watching TV at RK's place.

WADE: Um, your hands...do you wash them?

SPARKY: Yes, I think 99.9% of the world does that.

WADE: Do you like washing your hands?

SPARKY: Well, yeah, but that's more of a mandatory thing.

(long pause)

WADE: Do you want to kiss?

SPARKY: What?!

WADE: I'm sorry, I'm just really bored.

END OF CUTAWAY

RK: Is Wade gay?

SPARKY: I'm going to assume he isn't.

JAYLYNN: So, who are you taking to the Shinedown concert?

RK: I don't know, Jaylynn. Myself? And my imaginary friend who doesn't piss me off every ten minutes by asking the same damn question!

JAYLYNN: I don't ask you the same question.

RK: Jaylynn, last night, you sent me 15 PMs on Facebook talking about the concert. If you want to see Shinedown so bad, you can buy your own ticket.

JAYLYNN: Yeah, but you already have one. And the concert is in three days. I'm pretty sure it's sold-out.

BUSTER: Yeah, I called Ticketmaster, they're sold-out.

(The kids stare at Buster)

BUSTER: I, um...I was calling about Cimorelli tickets.

(Ashley walks by RK)

ASHLEY: Hey guys.

SPARKY, BUSTER, AND JAYLYNN: Hey.

RK: Ashley?

ASHLEY: Yeah.

(long pause; RK just simply grits his teeth)

RK: Nothing.

(Ashley walks away with her lunch tray)

SPARKY: RK, bubby, baby, I hate seeing you do this to yourself. You need to just talk to Ashley and make things right.

RK: I just don't know if I can. If I do, I'll be forced to put my feelings on the backburner. And I don't want to do that. I'm in love with her for God's sake!

BUSTER: You really liked me for a while but that didn't change anything between us, did it?

RK: You're right. I mean, I tried to get with you many times, but things were always the same. But that's different. We had known each other for a really long time before I developed feelings for you, or even realized I was into guys. Ashley's a different case. I only started talking to her because Sanna moved away.

SPARKY: Maybe you could talk to Sanna and she'll tell you what to do. She knows Ashley better than anybody.

RK: Yeah, but it's been a while. I wouldn't even know how to approach her.

JAYLYNN: Just be calm and vulnerable. But don't try to force anything on her. That's what happened to me last week at the grocery store.

CUTAWAY GAG

Jaylynn is driving her shopping cart through the frozen food section. She has a taped-up hand after RK smashed it with the sledgehammer.

(Trapped in the area containing frozen beverages while banging on the door) DOLE EMPLOYEE: Hi there! Do you like frozen fruit smoothies?!

JAYLYNN: Uh, no?

(Jaylynn drives away as the guy stares at her; Later on, Jaylynn is at the checkout line; The guy is right behind her)

DOLE EMPLOYEE: Do you like frozen fruit smoothies?!

JAYLYNN: WILL YOU GET THE (BLEEP) AWAY FROM ME?!

END OF CUTAWAY

SCENE 8

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

Wade and KG are watching TV.

WADE: Hey KG?

KG: Yeah?

WADE: If I wanted to watch a TV show that insulted my intelligence and ran down its characters in an unentertaining way while also being extremely racist and nihilistic, what would it be?

KG: I'm pretty sure you're thinking of _Jessie._

WADE: Thanks.

KG: No problem. Hey, my back feels a little itchy and I can't reach it, do you think you can scratch?

WADE: KG, if I do that, I'll get the chicken pox too.

KG: Wade, you already have the chicken pox.

WADE: Oh yeah. I'm sorry, I feel really out of it. I haven't felt this mind-blown since my first grade English teacher dropped knowledge about Santa.

CUTAWAY GAG

Wade is in his first grade English class with his teacher Mrs. Richard around Christmastime.

MRS. RICHARD: And the reason why kids can't see Santa is because there is a strong possibility he'll try to sleep with them, possibly scarring them for life. So be prepared for that.

(Wade and his classmates look really shocked)

MRS. RICHARD: What?

END OF CUTAWAY

WADE: But yeah, I'll scratch ya.

KG: Thanks buddy.

(KG pulls up his shirt and Wade starts scratching his lower back)

KG: OH YEAH, BABY! OWWWWWWW! YEAH, GET IT IN ROUGH! WHOA, DADDY! WHO'S MY DADDY?! YOU'RE MY DADDY! YES, GIVE IT TO ME HARD! YES!

(KG starts moaning heavily like he's having an orgasm; Sparky comes in with a tray containing two tuna fish sandwiches, two bowls of chicken noodle soup, and two glasses of orange juice, and hears KG moaning)

SPARKY: You guys rehearsing a porno or what?

WADE: In KG's fantasies, he was. Dude, why?

KG: I don't know. You scratching me just felt REALLY good.

(Wade stares at KG, bored)

KG: OK, I was exaggerating for comedic effort but you scratch better than DJ Premier.

WADE: Thanks.

SPARKY: Here you guys go. Some lovely tuna fish and soup. Should help get the ol'muscles flowing again.

KG: My compliments to Chef MacDougal.

WADE: Same here.

SPARKY: Ah, it was nothing but thank you. You know, I've been cooking since I was a lad. Of course, not every effort was a success.

CUTAWAY GAG

Sparky is mixing pistachio ice cream with water, blue Play-Doh and peas in his kitchen. Sparky is four years old.

SPARKY: Hey Mommy, you want to try my goulash?

MOM: Sure honey.

(Sparky's mom takes a spoonful of his goulash and starts puking and gagging in the sink)

SPARKY: I think it needs butter.

(Sparky's mom continues to puke and gag)

END OF CUTAWAY

RK comes in wearing his T-Bot Emerald costume, and starts spraying antiseptic all over the room.

WADE: Well, it looks like Captain Crackpot's home.

RK: I'm taking precautions, Wade. Chances are you two have been in close contact for hours and gave each other AIDS. Nobody wins!

KG: RK, that's not how the chicken pox work...

RK: The name is T-Bot Emerald, and if you forget that one more time, I'm cracking you again with my .45.

WADE: Do you feel good being a hypochondriac?

RK: I feel like I'm keeping you safe. For all I know, Sparky has AIDS and he caught it from you two bacteria-infested monsters.

SPARKY: I don't have AIDS!

RK: Are you sure?

SPARKY: I'm not just...

WADE: Please don't say it.

RK: I'm going to go tinkle and then head to my room. And just to make sure the chicken pox doesn't think any lines are blurred, I'm going to put up this piece of paper on the wall: "Attention: Don't Confuse Wade and KG For Me."

WADE: RK, that piece of paper is blank.

RK: That's what you think. It's in Braille.

WADE: No, it's not!

(long pause)

RK: You win this round, Saltalamacchia.

(RK runs upstairs while spraying antiseptic behind his back)

WADE: KG, are you sure RK doesn't know what the chicken pox is?

KG: He does know, he's just taking this opportunity to be a dumbass.

(Jaylynn walks in the house)

JAYLYNN: Where's RK?

SPARKY, WADE, AND KG: Bathroom.

JAYLYNN: OK.

(Jaylynn walks upstairs)

SPARKY: Jaylynn, don't go in there.

(Jaylynn stares back at Sparky, and continues walking upstairs)

SPARKY: What IS it with her and that ticket?

WADE: She thinks RK is a girl and she's trying to get with him really bad?

(takes a second to think) SPARKY: You know, with the way she's acting, I'd actually buy that.

KG: Me too.

(RK is sitting on the toilet, texting Sanna)

RK: "Need to talk to you about Ashley. I'm coming over tonight." And...send.

(Jaylynn walks in, and she simply stares at RK for a bit)

RK: JAYLYNN, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?! I'M IN THE BATHROOM!

JAYLYNN: I just want to know if you decided who you're taking to the Shinedown concert.

RK: I DON'T KNOW, YOU CREEP! AND I PLANNED ON JACKING OFF IN HERE!

JAYLYNN: It's OK, I won't look.

(long pause; RK continues to stare at Jaylynn angrily)

JAYLYNN: What?

RK: GET THE (BLEEP) OUT OF HERE!

JAYLYNN: OK.

(Jaylynn leaves while RK sighs; His phone starts ringing, and he knows it's Jaylynn so he throws it to the side angrily; By the way, RK's ringtone is "No Strings Attached" by *NSYNC)

SEGWAY SEGMENT

CLASSIC MUSIC VIDEOS

JAYLYNN: Hi, everybody! I'm Jaylynn Michelle Huie from the television series _Thank You, Heavenly. _And this is yet another classic music video. Now, I've heard from a lot of people that there's more rap on the show than anything else. Well, that's because the creator of this show is a huge fan of old-school hip-hop. In fact, he only likes hard rock and heavy metal just as much. But don't worry. On this show, we like pop, R&B, a huge collection of music from way back when and today is played here. So we've heard the rumblings and decided to give you something a little older. This is a certified classic, it's Michael Jackson's "Beat It." Enjoy!

Artist: Michael Jackson

Song: Beat It

Album: Thriller

Year: 1982

Label: Epic Records

The guitar riff and solo were performed by Van Halen lead guitarist Eddie Van Halen. Producer Quincy Jones wanted a hard rock song for _Thriller_, but Jackson had never been interested in the genre before. So, he approached "Beat It" the way he would if he were to buy a rock song. Originally, Eddie performed a much harder riff, but Jones thought it sounded too tough so the power of it was reduced.

(The music video for "Beat It" starts playing)

SCENE 9

The Qureshi Household

Exterior Frontyard

Seattle, Washington

(walking up the steps) RK: My God, Sanna lives life like a queen. I mean, I've been here many times before and I'm still shook up.

Sanna has a pretty big house, almost resembling a mansion. It's also a gated home.

(RK knocks on the door and Sanna answers; the studio audience roars in approval while RK is awestruck by how good Sanna looks; she used to have black hair, but now she's a brunette)

SANNA: You want to come inside?

RK: Wow, you look amazing. Are you single?

SANNA: (chuckling) Thank you, and yes, but I think you should say that to Ashley.

RK: Who's Ashley?

SANNA: My best friend? The girl you're in love with? The girl you wanted to talk to me about?

RK: Oh yeah, her. Come inside, we have hot dogs grilling. In nautical slang, it's referred to as pork bananas.

SANNA: RK, this is MY house.

RK: Right. Um, OK. I'm just going to go inside your marvelous home and NOT look you in the eye.

SANNA: OK? It's your call.

(whispers) RK: Damn, she's hot. Eyes on the prize, Jennings. Eyes on the prize.

Later on, the two are drinking tea in Sanna's living room. You can tell because there are teacups and a little teapot, short and stout. Handle and a spout. :)

RK: And that's why I've been avoiding her lately.

SANNA: Wait, doesn't it feel like a conversation was being joined in progress?

RK: Yeah. We're having a conversation right now.

SANNA: But it's like...I don't...never mind. RK, I think it's sweet you care about Ashley this much. Which is why you need to talk to her and be her friend again.

RK: But I don't want to be her friend, that's the problem. Besides, she probably hates me.

SANNA: Ashley doesn't hate you. In fact, she doesn't have the power to hate anybody. Unlike me.

RK: You're a hateful person?

SANNA: I CAN be. Sometimes, I have a hard time controlling my anger. But I don't want to see anyone killed or something. Look, RK, I know you're in love with Ashley, but you're better off just being friends with her at this point. She really doesn't like anybody. Besides, I don't think she's the right girl for you. She mostly reacts to things, she takes school seriously, she's a lazy bum...

RK: Sanna, if you wanted to make out, you could've just said something.

SANNA: No, not me. Someone else. Someone more like you.

RK: I just don't know if I can do that. It might just be a pride thing, but I can't see myself as Ashley's friend when I want her to be my girlfriend.

SANNA: Trust me, I know it's hard, but it's worth it. Remember when we had that argument over boy bands last summer and Sparky had to step in?

RK: Don't I ever.

SANNA: If we hadn't made up, we would've missed out on all the good times we had together between then and now. And all the good times we're gonna have.

RK: That sounds really familiar.

SANNA: It is, I've been just plowing through _Full House _on Netflix. But it's still true. Ashley obviously means a lot to you. And when that kind of situation arises, you have to make a sacrifice.

RK: You know what? You're right. I have to make things right with Ashley. I would rather have her as just a friend than not at all. Thanks Sanna, you really got busy tonight. (shakes hands with Sanna)

SANNA: Thanks, I try my best.

RK: Yes you do. I mean, I haven't seen you in a while and you look DAMN! And, is that avocado in your hair or are you just that attractive?

SANNA: RK, do you want a picture of me to take home?

(long pause)

RK: Yes.

SCENE 10

The Newman Condominium

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

Buster is on Skype with Jennessa. Remember her? The girl from "Buster's Pen Pal." She legitimately guest-starred on the show? Read it if you forgot.

BUSTER: So Wade and KG both have duck infection.

JENNESSA: Buster, there is no such thing as duck infection.

BUSTER: Of course there is! I keep telling everybody I heard it from The Onion. Aren't you supposed to be the smart one in this relationship? Shoo.

JENNESSA: Dude, The Onion is satirical.

BUSTER: Satirical?! No way! That...that means...

JENNESSA: That everything they write is for fun, yes.

BUSTER: So that article about the boy being forced to rewrite his otter report was...

JENNESSA: Satirical, yeah.

(Buster looks disappointed when Jaylynn comes in)

JAYLYNN: Buster, I need your help! Immediately!

BUSTER: In a minute, Jaylynn. I just received some terrible news.

JENNESSA: Hi Jaylynn!

JAYLYNN: Hi Jennessa! What news?

BUSTER: That The Onion is a satirical newspaper.

JAYLYNN: Yeah, everyone knows that. Just like how everyone knows that ham beats tuna.

CUTAWAY GAG

A tuna fish sandwich and a ham sandwich are on separate plates next to each other, and they both have eyebrows, eyes, noses, and mouths.

HAM SANDWICH: Hey.

TUNA FISH SANDWICH: What?

HAM SANDWICH: I squirted mayonnaise on your girlfriend last night.

(The tuna fish sandwich angrily stares at the ham sandwich, which gives back a cheesy smile)

END OF CUTAWAY

BUSTER: After what I just found out, I feel like life just kicked me in the ass and my anus will forever throb from the blow. What did you want?

JENNESSA: TMI, Buster.

JAYLYNN: I feel like I'm starting to annoy RK about the whole Shinedown concert.

BUSTER: Are you that dense? We ALL know you've been annoying him. In fact, I feel really bad because I should've called you out on it from the beginning.

JENNESSA: Who was Jaylynn annoying?

BUSTER: RK. He has two tickets to see Shinedown tomorrow night and he was planning to take KG before he got sick. Now Jaylynn's trying to swoop in and score the ticket.

JENNESSA: Who's Shinedown anyway?

JAYLYNN: They're only one of the best post-grunge bands out right now.

JENNESSA: I don't know. I'm more of a jazz and classical girl. I DO know how to play the guitar riff from "Smoke on the Water."

BUSTER: Yeah, a lot of people do, no offense. What exactly do you want me to do anyway?

JAYLYNN: I need you to hypnotize me into thinking the ticket doesn't exist.

BUSTER: OK then. But I have to warn you, I'm not exactly skilled at this.

JENNESSA: You guys have all these preppy problems.

BUSTER: Hey, we ALL have preppy problems. Remember those guys you were yammering on about last week?

JENNESSA: It's complicated. And it was a departure from my usual schtick so be grateful for it.

BUSTER: Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, Bruce Willis. Here.

(Buster hands Jaylynn a yo-yo)

JAYLYNN: What the hell is this?

BUSTER: Um, duh, Jaylynn, it's a yo-yo. Are you slow?

JENNESSA: You of all people, Buster.

JAYLYNN: I know what this is, but how is this supposed to help? Is this some kind of reference?

BUSTER: No. Why does everything have to be a reference?

JENNESSA: Because 85% of your humor consists of that.

BUSTER: Well, there's only so much TV I can watch. What do you want me to do, re-enact the _Who's the Boss? _episode where Jonathan runs for treasurer?

JAYLYNN: No.

JENNESSA: Yes.

BUSTER: Look, Jay, all you have to do is play with that yo-yo and you'll be just fine. Try and do other things besides thinking about that Shinedown ticket.

JAYLYNN: I guess. Well, thanks anyway.

BUSTER: Any time.

(Jaylynn leaves the condo)

JENNESSA: Do you really think that yo-yo's going to help?

BUSTER: Probably. But I had no idea Jaylynn was this bad at taking a hint. She's worse at it than RK is at prank-calling.

CUTAWAY GAG

RK is on his couch making a prank call.

(disguised voice) RK: I am The Exorcist. I've come back from Hell to kill you. I'll chop your throat, chop your tongue, and stab you in the guts. (hearty laugh)

(long pause)

(bored) JAYLYNN: RK, I know it's you.

RK: Who is that? I'm The Exorcist. Now where do you live?

(bored) JAYLYNN: I see your number on my phone right now.

(RK hangs up)

RK: (Bleep).

END OF CUTAWAY

SCENE 11

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Lunchroom

Seattle, Washington

(RK has his lunch tray and sees Ashley sitting with her friends; he sighs and walks over)

RK: Um, Ashley, could I talk to you in private?

ASHLEY: Sure. Rebecca, hold on, OK?

REBECCA: OK.

(RK takes Ashley to an empty table)

RK: Alright, look. I know now more than any other time in the world that I'm in love with you. You mean the world to me and it hurts that I can't have you, even if I wanted to. But what happened a couple weeks ago was wrong. I blacked out, I panicked, I didn't know how to respond to what you said. But that only proves that your opinion of me means everything.

ASHLEY: Why do you care so much about my opinion?

RK: Because I love you, dammit. I'll throw 100 girls off a cliff if it means I can have you.

ASHLEY: Well, RK, I figured out a really long time ago that you had a crush on me. But I didn't know how strong those feelings were. Maybe I just dismissed them as something you'll grow out of it. I'm not showing it right now, but what you said actually means something to me.

RK: It does?

ASHLEY: Yeah. But I think you should scope around, look for other girls. I mean, you're nine years old. You don't want to be committed to one girl as young as you are.

RK: Yeah, I guess so.

ASHLEY: So are we friends again?

(Ashley extends her hand)

RK: Friends again.

(Instead of shaking Ashley's hand, RK hugs her, and she returns it)

ASHLEY: Wow. Um, OK. (chuckles)

REBECCA: I wonder what she's doing right now.

JANAY: Or WHO she's doing right now.

REBECCA: You are so inappropriate.

JANAY: I know, right?

RK: But you know...

ASHLEY: What?

RK: There's only one way to make this official.

ASHLEY: What?

(pulls out the two tickets to Shinedown) RK: Concert tickets. You, me, and Shinedown tonight. Wear something pretty.

ASHLEY: I don't think so.

RK: Come on, it will be fun.

ASHLEY: Doubt it.

(imitating Stephanie Tanner) RK: Yes, it will.

(imitating Jesse Katsopolis) ASHLEY: No, it won't.

(imitating Stephanie Tanner) RK: Yes, it will.

(imitating Jesse Katsopolis; sternly) ASHLEY: No, it won't.

RK: YES, IT (BLEEP) WILL! I'm sorry, I put too much heat on that. But come on, I paid some pretty pennies for these tickets and I'm NOT taking Jaylynn.

ASHLEY: Really? I don't know. Who's Shinedown anyway?

RK: A little bit alternative metal, a little bit post-grunge. Basically, a throwback to the harder-edged bands from back in the day.

Next thing you know, RK and Ashley are at the concert. The camera is focused on them, not Shinedown. However, the band can be heard playing "Diamond Eyes (Boom-Lay Boom-Lay Boom)" in the background.

(after long pause) ASHLEY: They kinda suck.

RK: You agreed to come, Ash.

ASHLEY: I don't remember that being established!

RK: I do. And I also remember you promising to call me Big Daddy Kane after the show.

ASHLEY: No, I didn't!

RK: OK, I made that one up.

SCENE 12

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

(while playing with the yo-yo) JAYLYNN: I can't believe he took Ashley.

BUSTER: Let it go, or else I'm shooting you with tranquilizer darts.

SPARKY: Please don't.

WADE: I feel so much better right about now.

KG: Me too. Sparky, you're the master doctor.

SPARKY: Ah, KG, it was nothing.

WADE: There's still one thing unaccounted for. How did you get sick?

KG: I think the question at hand is: How did YOU get sick?

WADE: When I was tired and hungry late at night, I put the spoon you used in my mouth because I wanted ice cream.

KG: Ewwww.

WADE: Yeah, I didn't think that through. What about you?

KG: Well, all I remember is Rodney asking for my lunch.

WADE: And?

KG: When he gave it back to me, the lasagna tasted really thick.

(Wade widens his eyes while Sparky, Buster, and Jaylynn are all disgusted)

KG: What do you think that means?

WADE: I think it means YOUR FRIEND'S A DISGUSTING LITTLE (BLEEP)!

(black screen; it deflects)

BUSTER: Wait, did we learn anything?

SPARKY: Starve a cold and feed a fever?

BUSTER: Ah, forget it.

(black screen)

TESTICULAR SOUND EXPRESS: Now it's time for...

STEVE SONGS: Yoo-hoo!

KIDS: Music Time!

STEVE SONGS: With Steve Songs.

("It Ain't Hard to Tell" by Nas playing in the end credits)

©2014 ANDERSON PRODUCTIONS


	2. Duck Infection Backstage Pass

PRODUCTION/CULTURAL REFERENCES

-Despite being the third episode aired this weekend, "Duck Infection" was the first episode produced for the St. Patrick's Day Quintet. This is because the storyline was right in front of me and because RK is the easiest character on the show to write for. He can be put in any situation or act however he wants and he'll shine.

-I just thought of the term "duck infection."

-I know what you're thinking. This episode was inspired from the season one _Full House _episode "A Pox in Our House." It wasn't. It was actually inspired from the season four _My Wife and Kids _episode "Outbreak Monkey." That's actually my favorite episode from the show. Initially, the B-plot would've been RK attempting to avoid Wade and KG to make sure he goes to the Shinedown concert, and it started off that way, but RK being friends with Ashley again was more important so I decided to focus on that. Still, check out "Outbreak Monkey." It's too funny to understand.

-This is the first instance where Jaylynn shows the signs of the character that everyone hates and picks on/always gets abused (Butt Monkey). But that's not happening frequently. I have plans to make RK and Jaylynn frenemies, so that will actually be the only time characters get the Butt Monkey treatment on a regular basis.

-It was actually funny to see Jaylynn get more kooky over the ticket as time went by. Only her.

-The namesakes of Dr. Osborne, along with the Greenblatt and Williams Psychiatric Center are referencing three writers from the first three seasons of _SpongeBob SquarePants_: Kent Osborne, C.H. Greenblatt (who wrote the first post-movie episode "Fear of a Krabby Patty" as well before he left the show), and Merriwether Williams.

-RK and Dr. Osborne's session was meant to mirror the sessions held between Brian and his psychiatrist Dr. Kaplan in the early years of _Family Guy._

_-_RK was lampshading the fact that Testicular Sound Express is constantly at Sparky's house for unknown reasons, and he actually points out that Wade ruined what he was trying to do.

_-_RK saying "I'M SHANE...GRAY!" was a reference to _Camp Rock. _Of course, that wasn't the whole line.

-Sparky, of course, broke the fourth wall when he didn't want to answer RK's question and winked at the camera.

-RK's T-Bot Emerald costume is a reference to the season three _Arthur_ episode "Attack of the Turbo Tibbles," where Tommy Tibble has the exact same costume.

-The anthrax cutaway actually references "Outbreak Monkey." As well as the garlic necklace when Michael attempts the same thing to keep from catching the flu like the rest of the family (all except Junior).

-Nas Escobar is a nickname that the rapper Nas gave himself sometime after his debut album _Illmatic _(1994) was released. He actually used this nickname when he was featured on a Wu-Tang Clan song (the first non-Wu Tang member to be featured on a group song). The Nas Escobar persona was a big part of his next album _It Was Written _(1996). The Mac-10 is a reference to his song "N.Y. State of Mind," where he says: "4-5's and gauges, Macs, in fact..."

-Did you get the third code? For all those unaware, it's "Celtic."

-The grocery store cutaway is a reference to the recent Dole commercials advertising their new line of frozen fruit smoothies.

-I'm starting to really dislike _Jessie. _KG's views represent my own.

-The tuna fish, soup, and orange juice is actually a reference to "A Pox in Our House."

-RK ignoring Jaylynn's call by throwing his phone across the room is a reference to the season sixteen _South Park _episode "Jewpacabra," where Kyle does the same thing to Cartman.

-Sanna was lampshading the fact that on TV, conversations are usually joined in progress. This is also a reference to "Cinema Thieves," where Buster calls out Sparky for the exact same thing.

-RK said Sanna's speech was really familiar because she quoted lines from the season two _Full House _episode "Tanner vs. Gibbler," where Joey gives D.J. a similar speech.

-I kinda feel bad that this is only Jennessa's second appearance. I also plan to bring back the group's radio show.

-RK and Ashley were imitating the arguments Stephanie and Jesse had on the first season of _Full House. _Stephanie would ask Jesse to do something for her in a patronizing tone, he would say "No, he doesn't" then again, then he would say "No, he doesn't" in a stern tone, and Stephanie would say "Yes, he does" in a sad tone. They also did this in the second season premiere "Cutting It Close," and then it was dropped completely.

-The line "Starve a cold, and feed a fever" is an indirect reference to the season four _Arthur _episode "1001 Dads," where Binky says the same thing to Buster.


End file.
